Thursday, February 25, 2016

Regret


Do you know how life is supposed to be?
When you are growing up you are supposed to feel misunderstood by your parents and make them responsible for everything, including their "ruining" your life.
As you get older you realize that it's your job to make sure your life is in order and that you alone are responsible for the dumb shit that you do. You also start to see your parents as real people, which is weird at first.
Then you start having kids and you see what your parents went through having very little sleep and lots of responsibility.
When your kids hit puberty you start to realize that your mom and dad did the best they could with what they had, and you even start to feel ashamed at some of the things that you might have said to them or even did in the past.
Now you hit your 40s; this is the age when you finally accept responsibility for the mistakes you have made and you try to make it up to your parents by saying you are sorry — maybe even telling them where you messed up or that you even, God forbid, made the same mistake as they did years ago.
But what happens when you don't get that chance?
What happens to you when you start to have your epiphanies and your Mom or Dad are no longer there so you can make it up to them?
The feelings don't disappear just because your parents are no longer here; now you have all these feelings and you have nowhere to go with them so you start to feel guilty. To try and make yourself feel better, you try to reason with yourself. You tell yourself that they knew that you loved them and that if you would have had the chance, you would have told them or made it up to them. I'm not going to tell you to run out and tell your parents that you are sorry, because parents can do a real number on you growing up (and some people have parents that are manipulative up until they die). Don't make excuses for shitty parents; that is their cross to bear, not yours.
I am just saying that regret is a nasty feeling, especially when someone dies and takes away your chance of experiencing the natural progression of things. Let's face it: You shouldn't die until you are old and crusty and ready to go.
I have stopped reasoning and I have started to accept that sometimes you don't have time to say you are sorry and you have to find a way to be okay with that.
Maybe the next time you see your mom and dad, just hug them a little bit longer, but not with a pillow over their face because that, my friend, is murder.

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