Monday, April 27, 2015

No More Kids

When I had my first baby, I was barely (by four days), 23 and I had never even babysat a baby. So I had no idea what the hell I was doing and here I was taking home a human. I remember sitting in my room at the hospital with Joshua in my lap just looking at him and his little fingers and toes.
When he was born I didn't cry or feel overwhelmed with love for him because I was too busy with myself and too busy with the fact that he had a cone head -- it take me about a day to have that feeling for him. I blame it on the shitty care at the hospital and the way the whole thing was handled.
Anyway after I got home with him and was peed, pooped and puked on and cried about it but I felt like a mom.
I made a ton of mistakes with this poor child because I had no idea what I was doing. The only thing I knew was that it was him and me and it would all somehow work out, and it did, but it was a steep learning curve.

When Enya was born things were easier. I knew what was going to happen and I at least knew how to change a diaper and feed her. Enya was the easiest baby and always happy, kind of like she is today, with the exception of the hormonal crying every once in a while.
I did have the baby blues with both of them but nothing major and it didn't last longer then 6 weeks.

Then I had Mia 13 years after my first baby and it was like I was a first time mom again. I did know what to do but I was unsure about everything and I second guessed myself constantly. This time I didn't have the baby blues; I had postpartum depression for several months and it was really rough. To top it all off, Christopher was going through his own issues and it was just really, really hard.

Now the kids are 16, 11 and 3 and I am catching myself missing the baby stage. 
When I asked Christopher yesterday if we should have had more kids, he gave me a look like he was going to take me to the hospital to get my head checked. 
I guess it's normal that you forget how rough it was and just remember the good times. I forget about how Enya spit up in my mouth or Joshua accused me of farting in front of the whole emergency room and I about died. 

If I could have given myself a piece of advice back then it would have been:

Don't worry so much. You will not ruin your kids just because you don't know what you are doing. You are not like other moms and that is fine; maybe you don't make snacks that are always healthy and maybe you put your kid in front of the tv too much because you don't want to play, but they will know you love them and they will understand that you did your best. Tell them everyday that you love them and everything will be fine.

Take care, 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

What's up?

I went swimming today and hurt my wrist, isn't swimming supposed to be good for you?

I spent hours on Saturday washing, folding and ironing clothes for the flea market on Sunday, I don't even iron that shit when I wear it. I sold some clothes but I didn't make much money and if you were to figure out my hourly wage with all the work I had with these rags you should smack me in the head. I haven't worked that cheap since the 90's but I did have fun. 

My friend Nicole was selling this amazingly gaudy but beautiful tea set that made my tacky glittered heart just lose it's mind. I had to have it and she gave it to me.
 I feel like Alexis on Dynasty.

Today I took the girls to a nursery to buy the plants that we will for sure kill in the next couple of months and I found this etagere that I have been wanting for a long time and it was on sale so I grabbed it.
When we got home enya dropped it and it broke on the street.
I got mad and Enya started crying so then Mia started to cry because her yaya was crying so I just threw up my hands and said screw it. I drug the trashcan over to the car so we could throw it away and everybody calmed down and we spent the rest of the evening planting.
Oh and I can't have nice things.

So I upped my steps on the fitbit from 10000 to 12000 and then promptly for the next two days sat on my ass and got about 6000 steps. I challenged myself and then choked. You'll have that. 

I have been sleeping like a dead person lately which is nice but I barely move at night and when I wake up in the morning my arms are killing me and I have to move them around to get the blood moving. 

I started watching a new show called The Returned and while it is very interesting it has some creepy ass people on it like the forever Villain on every show he has ever been on.
Mark Pellegrino, that dude plays the best villains and is one of the creepiest actors I have ever seen.

That's all folks, 

Thursday, April 16, 2015


So my friend Nicole and I went to see a play:
Let me explain something right off the bat, I am not a theater person I like musicals but I like to watch stuff that is funny and easy to digest and not something where I watch a dude acting so hard that he is sweating and spitting across the stage. So yesterday I went and watched a play that was called Black Water and that should tell you everything, It wasn't funny really it was something for intellectual people but I could still keep up. I am glad that I went because it was an experience and if it doesn't kill me then experience is always good.
PS: Why yes I do have man arms, why do you ask?
We started rehearsing in a new place that was really cool. I wanted to take my shoes off and slide across the floor.
I made a Easter cake that made everybody stop and stare at it and ask me why there is grass on the cake, after I told them that it was edible I caught my mom eating the grass by itself.
I took the kids swimming and the girls had a blast, I could hear them screaming all the way down the slide so that is when I knew when to take a picture.
So the husband got me a fitbit that I love so much and it has got me motivated to move a lot more than I usually do. When I was going through my sit around on my ass phase I was only walking about 2000 steps a day now I am around 12000 so that is a big difference.

Other random thoughts:

My child wants to start getting his drivers license which means here I would have to drive with him which would not be good for our relationship..

I yelled at an old woman today in the public pool and she totally deserved it.

I wonder if you walked backwards if the fitbit subtracted steps, might have to try that tomorrow

I took my shoes off in the theater because I am a redneck

I saved my money to buy myself something nice and I all I bought were some air freshener sticks and stuff for everybody else in the family.

I am a great Aunt now which should make me feel kind of old and it does.

There are so many movies I want to see but I am so cheap that I don't want to go to the movies.

I like this weather we are having now I don't have to wear so many clothes I call it the THIGHS STICK TOGETHER WEATHER

I know the neighbor Lady's cat is going to shit in my yard one of these day and I am going to throw it on her balcony.

That's all I got

Take care,


Monday, April 6, 2015

Not so secret project

Last year in August, I was told about a play that was looking to cast an American woman, and that I should go check it out, so I did.
I found out that they were putting on a play that was an adaptation of Joan of Ark and that the subject was women in war and how the military has affected their life.
What I didn't realize at the time was that it was basically your own story; I didn't figure that out until I saw the script with my words and my story. Obviously, I have never been in the military but I did grow up in a military family and through my Dad the military has always played a very big role in my life. One of the things that has always been a big part of my memories of my dad is how patriotic he was and that he always was so very proud of his country.
The play consists of 6 women, all from completely different backgrounds and all with different stories that are all equally fascinating. Some are sad, some are tragic and some are just bad-ass. 
Now, if you know me you also know that I don't have a problem being center stage but that is usually because I am saying something funny or rude, but this is a whole other ballgame. This is personal and honest and to tell you the truth, it scares the hell out of me. I am going to be on the stage in front of 100 people trying not to pee my pants or forget my lines. 

One of the most interesting things about this whole process is that we are constantly asked to go through these exercises that make me feel so uncomfortable. I get a headache every time I am there. I participate as much as I can, but sometimes I just have to sit down and watch, which is really bizarre and interesting at the same time.
Sometimes, you get a prompt of what to do and you are supposed to just go with it and there are a few ladies who just go with it. They roll around on the floor and beat up rolls of fabric, kick a helmet across the room, lay on the floor and play dead.
I just sit there and think "How the f*** did I get here?" After a couple of days, I have come to realize that this is the creative process; this is where they get their ideas, and in the end, when everybody has gotten off the floor and taken pictures, scribbled stuff down in a hurry and are done whispering to each other, they suddenly have a story.
Since I have started to rehearse, I have learned several things:

My world just got a whole lot bigger.

I learned how to march.

There is no way you can ever look stupid in front of theater people; there are no boundaries to ridiculousness.

I can sing in front of a group of people.

A Russian, Israeli, Turkish, German, American and a Kurd can be in a room together and get along famously.

Everyone has a story that is worth telling.

The play is called Kriegerinnen which means Warriors, and will be playing for a full year starting on the 12th of June in Mannheim.

See you soon,

Friday, April 3, 2015

Into the woods

My husband loves the woods; he thinks it's good for you when you go for long walks in the fresh air. the air in my house isn't fresh. He told me last night that some friends were going to meet to go hiking and if we were interested in going with them.
They told us that the trail would take us an hour. Well it didn't -- it took us 2 hours of almost all uphill with a whiny 3 year old. 
I tried to take a picture of all of us. It didn't work out so well.

This is pretty much where Mia was all day. Poor Christopher is in pain now.

Walking sticks were mandatory, but Mia was hard to please with them; they had to be just right with no extra sticks on it.

Looks like a twilight movie.
Mia made a lot of mud soup and dunked her shoes in it a couple of times.
She fell asleep on the way back down, which means it only took us an hour to get down. Now that we are home, everybody it completely worn out with sore legs and chapped lips but the Husband is happy so everybody else just shuts up.

Talk to you later,