Saturday, March 14, 2015

Put some damn clothes on

I grew up in Germany where kids swam naked in the lake and the pool till it was too indecent to do so, or until one kid too many took a dump in the kiddie pool.
But, I had two parents who did not grow up that way and in our house when you took a shower, changed your clothes or went to the bathroom, you did it with the door closed and in private. If my mom was in the tub and I knocked on the door then I was always welcome but I usually just waited.
I didn't feel like I missed out on anything but I guess growing up that way has made it impossible for me to go to a mixed sauna or any other activity where I have to be naked in public, and by public, I mean in a sauna, not outside on the street.
I just can't do it......and it makes me break out in hives just thinking about taking off my clothes and crossing a room to get in the pool or a steam room.

Now, let me tell you what happened to me today:

My nasty friend, Babette, who knows about my naked-people phobia, asked me to go swimming with her today. I said "yes" because I never get out and I need the exercise.
We get to the place and I start to panic once I realize she is leading me to the changing room, where all the women take their clothes off together. I instantly get mad and tell her I am not doing it so she tells me she will meet me out by the pool. I take my bag, jacket, big-ass towel and my shoes and run out of there. I change in private and go to put my clothes in the locker, only to realize that I can't lock it without the card that I have for the Sauna. I am so screwed, so now I am in my Bikini and I have all my stuff on my arm and push myself back through the turnstyle thing with all my shit and go back in the free-for-all changing room -- Babette is gone.
I put all my crap in a locker and stick the card in the slot to lock it.....and it doesn't work.
I take everything out and move to the next locker; I get everything in and the wristband breaks off of the key.
I am starting to sweat on my ladystache.
I move over to the next one and get everything in -- by now I am ready to bite won't lock.
Now, Babette calls me from outside of the locker room and comes in and locks the g**damn door.
We get out and all these old people are in the pool and they are swimming towards each other like a bunch of minnows with no idea what the F**K they are doing. So, there is no way I am getting in the pool because I have issues with something touching me under water, and besides I have serious road rage. Can you imagine me in a pool with a bunch of people swimming around like they don't care?
I watch her for a while from the side while she is telling me to get in the damn water.......not happening. People are looking at me now because I am the only one outside of the pool.
I sashay over to the kiddie pool, get in there, and watch the other pool from the side like a stalker because that is what I do when I act like a child.
Finally, it's time to go to the sauna and that is when I find out that it is mixed.
Babette just looks at me like there is something seriously wrong with me at this point and I don't understand how she can be so nonchalant about it. She strips butt-ass naked right there in the hallway. 
This is me:
I start sweating again and trying to figure out what to do, when this larger man walks past me completely naked and I almost hyperventilate. 
"Okay Julia get your shit together"! I am screaming at myself on the inside while I am telling my friend that I hate her, she just rolls her eyes at me.
I took off my bikini and got into the sauna and sweated my ass off, and I even enjoyed it a little. 
After we got out an hour later all the little minnows had gone off to eat and I got to swim my lanes and exercise in the grown up pool, which was nice. 
I might go again next week if they ever let me back in. 
Just FYI: I showered with my bottoms on and my flip flops; let's not get carried away here. 


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