Saturday, December 13, 2014

SAHM is Not for Everybody

When I was a child, I always dreamed of being a Stay-at-Home-Mom with 6 kids and a rich husband. I even told my mother that I would marry rich so I wouldn't have to work and could just be at home for my family.
When I started to go to school and saw how difficult it always was for me, I decided that, instead, I would become a circus clown and travel the world. I don't know why I decided that because I don't even like the circus.
In 4th grade, I decided to become a florist and that stayed with me until it was time to start working. I never was good in school, not because I was dumb, but because the sitting still and concentrating thing for me was pure torture.
I worked as a floral designer for quite a while and I loved it! I was able to be creative and flexible and I didn't have to sit still so it was a win-win for me. 
After I moved to Germany and was told that it didn't matter what I had done in the states, that I would always be considered an untrained worker who would also be treated like third class citizen, I knew that I had to go back to school.
So basically, a nightmare for me and even though I was older and more disciplined I still struggled Every single day!!!
I finished and got my degree.

I did it. I was finally going to have a career. I earned it after working mediocre jobs for years just  so I could feed my family.
Everything changed.
Mia was on the way and everything I had planned was pushed off to the side. The only difference with this baby was that I was finally able to stay home with her for the full three years and take care of my family without having to worry about money.
I had to have several serious talks with myself over the years about being grateful that I was able to have what I always thought I wanted.

The person who needs structure more then anything in her life and is used to being pushed to the limit when it comes to stress was now suddenly completely bored.
Yes, having kids is stressful but it is a different kind of stress.  It's the kind where you want to pull your hair out at the end of the day because somebody is constantly wanting something from you and then your husband asks you what the hell you did all day.

Now the 3 years are almost up and I am able to go back to work part-time so I can be home to pick up Mia at 2pm.
I was even asked if I would consider cleaning houses because it's good money and I could set my own hours.
I will be 40 next September and I am back to where I was when I was 20 and was living alone in an 1 bedroom apartment.
I am grateful for my kids and I am more than grateful that they are healthy and I know that there are so many people who would sell their mother for the life I have, but Jesus Christ, I need a goddamned job before I completely lose my mind!
I am applying as we speak and not as a cleaning lady so don't even go there. I plan on keeping you updated on what kind of job an almost 40 year old with three children and tons of work experience can get but it might get dark here before it gets light again.

Take care,

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