Monday, October 20, 2014

Thank you notes

I am totally stealing this from Jimmy Fallon.

Thank you Turn-style gates,
for making it impossible to go through them without looking like an asshole because you either hit yourself in the crotch or you get your bags, purse and jacket stuck in it.

Thank you Youtube videos,
for making me think I can do anything, from playing the guitar to ballroom dancing,  I really did need to watch some lady opening up 50 plastic eggs with toys in them. FYI, I can never get those 20 minutes back.

Thank you Twitter,
for making me believe that the tweets I write actually get read by celebrities and that they are, therefore, my friends.

Thank you Pinterest,
for teaching me how to dress, cook and decorate, or in most cases, how to make me feel like a loser without any decent clothes who eats unhealthy food and lives in a hovel.

Thank you Alcohol on Wednesday nights,
for making me think that I still got it.

Thank you scratchy toilet paper,
for reminding me that if you recycle paper too much, it will eventually end up being toilet paper that can take three layers of skin off your ass.

Thank you,
for giving me something else that sucks up my time but will not bring me further in life whatsoever.

Thank you full butt underwear,
for making me feel unsexy but comfortable at the same time.

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