Sunday, September 7, 2014

It's Been a Year

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
~by Mary Elizabeth Frye

A year ago today my Dad passed away and even though I am not a religious person, I am going to tell you how my belief got me through.
I don't write about religion because it is a very personal subject but because I write mostly personal stuff I thought I would make an exception.
I am not a religious person, I do not ever go to church, not because I am against it but because I don't feel the need to be there or go there to be close to God.
As long as I can remember I have been spiritual but never religious. To tell you the truth, there is quite a bit in the bible that is off-putting to me and always has been, at least since I had it all through school as a main subject that I had to take. I remember once in trade school: a teacher got so pissed at me for questioning his teachings that he screamed at me and threw my stuff out the window, making himself look stupid and convincing me even more that this was not my way to go.
I have read a lot of books over the years about death, reincarnation and the afterlife;  I have always lived by the rule that you reap what you sow, and if you are mean and spiteful, it will come back and bite you in the ass threefold.
I believe that free will is the greatest gift we have and as a little helpful tool we also received intuition; and if you ignore it then you will be sorry because it will never steer you wrong. However, ignoring it will force you learn the hard way every time.
I believe in Heaven and angels and spirits and ghosts and I also believe that we are all here for a reason and that life is the trial and Heaven is the reward.
I believe everything you send out in the world will multiply and come back, no matter if it's good or bad, so be careful what you pray for.
I didn't realize how deep my belief was until Dad died and I had to deal with the finality of it.
When Dad died, I wasn't sad for him, I was sad for myself.  I did worry about him not being ready or being too surprised by how fast that he went that he was maybe confused and not ready to go.
I wanted him to visit me in my dreams and tell me that he was okay,  but I knew that because he went so unexpected, that it might take a while for him to come. Well, in the end he did come to me in my dreams and it was just as I had hoped it would be -- nothing spectacular, just him smiling and looking as healthy as I had hoped he would be. That is when I realized that it didn't take him so long to come because he wasn't ready, but because I wasn't ready.

I did not have a funeral to go to and I did not get to say goodbye. The get-well balloons and the I love you were too late, so I was stuck without closure and with my guilt.
I never questioned whether or not he loved me; that was without a doubt something that I always knew, but there were other things that bothered me and I didn't understand them.
I thought about Dad everyday and I still do and after reading more books and talking to people, I started to understand him better. The more I understood the less guilt I felt until one night he finally came.
I woke up lighthearted and at first, I didn't know why. Then I remembered my dream and it was as if a weight lifted off me. I was so grateful for that feeling because it has been hard to miss him.
I know now that he is happy and that he is finally at peace and only feeling love; it makes me happy to know that he at least now sees Mia and can watch over her.

Till we meet again Dad. 




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