Saturday, September 13, 2014

I Apologize

Today I am going to apologize to all the strangers that I have pissed off in the last couple of days, just to get it off my chest.

I apologize to the car behind me that was forced to watch my turn signal blink for eternity because I couldn't hear it over my screeching rendition of "Burn" from Ellie Goulding. Then again, it's not really my fault that my car doesn't turn off the signal automatically.

I apologize to the doctor for leaving a weird, breathy message on your answering machine. I didn't realize it was on yet and when I did, I got flustered and babbled. Then again, it's not really my fault because the beep could have been louder.

I apologize to the lady behind me at the grocery store who was breathing down my neck since she only had three items and really wanted to get out of the store to get on with her important life. Well, guess what: sometimes I let people get in front of me and sometimes I am an asshole, so today was not your lucky day.  I guess that was a sucky apology . . . . . . oh well, moving on.

I apologize to my kids. I tried to tell them that they will freeze their butts off if they wear shorts and a t-shirt to school when it is rainy and windy and just downright nasty outside. I forgot: they are the masters of the universe and they never get sick. I will remind them of that when they sound like idiots because their nose is so stopped up with snot. Then again, I never listened either until NEVER so whatever.

I apologize to the summer plants that I really want to throw away now since fall is here and I want to put out pumpkins. Pumpkins and pretty pink flowers don't match, so please die already.

I apologize to my hairdresser who I went to twice in one week and told I hated my hair. She has now told me if I dye it again, my hair will probably fall out. Good thing she is my oldest friend or I would have smacked her.

I apologize to my hormones because I hate you so much.  I see how vindictive and shitty you are. Pimples at 39? WTF!!!! Oh yeah, and my hair is weird, too. Thanks for nothing!

I apologize to my siblings because mom loves me the most. I am secretly her favorite even if she says otherwise.

I apologize to my husband because it is getting cold at night. You better get ready for my freezing feet to be shoved between your legs when I get into bed. That is your job; it says so in the marriage handbook, right next to telling me I am beautiful everyday and buying me whatever the hell I want.

I apologize to the rain because I hate you so much. Blah Blah, it makes shit grow. If it wasn't for you my damned summer flowers would be dead, not to mention, my hair can't hold a curl in this nasty-ass weather. Save the planet and all that other crap.

Okay, getting all that guilt off my chest really made me feel better about myself.

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