Thursday, June 5, 2014

Being Afraid

I have always been afraid of something; actually, I don't ever remember not being afraid of something and fear has always helped me make my decisions in life, whether big or small.
When I was a kid I was afraid to talk to strangers, walk past construction sites, or get myself an ice cream cone. I would pay other kids to get it for me and would rather have a scoop less so I didn't have to get it myself. I couldn't ride a bike till I was nine and I couldn't swim till I was eleven, because I was afraid I would get hurt.
When I became a little older, I was scared of shots, riding rides, wind, and mutants which is the reason I still hate zombies to this day. (Thank you, siblings, for watching that horrible movie and where I could  through the crack in the door.)

When I was a teenager I was afraid to drive by myself, go shopping alone or take a shower with the lights on because I felt watched.
It has always taken someone to force me to do the things that come normal for other people. At first I was always mad but in the end, I was relieved to see that it wasn't as bad as I thought.
Now that I have kids my fear has changed but it's still there, just manageable I guess.

I have the fear that something will happen to my kids. I make bargains with myself all the time about how I will be a better person as long as my kids are safe and healthy.
I work hard every day to make sure I don't pass my fear on to my kids, and I encourage them all the time to try new things and to not be afraid.
I let them ride roller coasters and do tricks on their bike; I make them get their own ice cream and go shopping in the store. I tell them to jump off diving boards and run as fast as they can downhill and to just not be afraid.

Being afraid has kept me from experiencing quite a few things. I have always wanted to try. I don't know if I will ever get over the feeling of being terrified, but I am getting better. 
I still have little fears that don't bother me too much and nobody really knows that I have them because I am really good at hiding most of them, except for the parking and the driving to new places -- everybody knows I am afraid of that.
 
I am a work in progress



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