Friday, March 7, 2014

A day in the life

4am: Get up and change the sheets on your kid's bed because she took off her diaper and peed all over her bed and herself and her new feather pillow; run into the dresser and swear, which makes your husband mad because he just got the little shit back to sleep.

6:30am: Get up because you promised the sandwich kid you would braid her hair for school.

7:30am: Hear a loud crash and then a scream and race upstairs only to see that your child has knocked over a glass lamp and it cut her face, not badly, but it's still her face.

9:00am: The first temper tantrum because you thought you would change the diaper of your child; this continues for the next 8 hours so you end up not leaving the house because Satan's spawn has dictated the whole day and you are afraid of leaving the house because you would have to dress said spawn and maybe even put shoes on her.

12:30pm: your mother holds down the child so you can get a diaper on it, because she has peed in the corner and on the beanbag chair twice since you let her run naked.

1:00pm: You try the first nap and get called upstairs 15 minutes later from the child that has now emptied out her drawer and put on every item of clothing she could wear.

2:00pm: The big kids are home so you eat together, even letting the child eat standing up because you no longer have the strength to force her into her chair.

2:30pm: You try another nap only to be called half an hour later by your older child who informs you the child's room smells like poop. When you investigate, you find out that the child has pooped and taken off her diaper and then proceeded to stand in it with her blankie. You do your 4th load of clothes that day.

6:30pm: You decide that a bath is in order so you get everything ready, only for a total meltdown to happen when you try to get the child into the bathroom. You finally lose your shit and start yelling so loud that your throat hurts and you are surprised that the cops don't show up. After losing your temper in the most fabulous way, the child acts as if nothing happened and she is a totally different child.

7:00pm: Child freshly bathed tells you she is hungry and you feed her in her chair without her throwing food or trying to get up every 2 minutes. You get her in bed where she stays and falls asleep almost right away and for the first time that day you exhale. I'm too old for this shit. 

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