Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Dad! How could you?

Sometimes, when you are busy living and going about your business, you forget that the life altering things that pull the carpet out from underneath you occur in a matter of minutes. When Vicki informed us this weekend that Dad was going into the hospital as a precaution and to get him stronger, my first thought was to send him something from us kids for his room to make his room nicer. I didn't want to call and bother him so I thought balloons would let him know that we were thinking of him and help him to feel better soon. About 10 hours later I received the news that Dad was gone. My first reaction was denial and disbelief. I wanted to know how and why? He was OK! The doctor said he was fine! How could this happen? I hung up and called my brother and sister and even though I cried, I felt nothing. I felt numb and totally removed from the situation and even though I knew it was true, for a little bit I could act like it didn't really happen. My birthday party was scheduled that night, but we cancelled it and just had family over and I functioned like I usually do. But as the evening wore on, I started to feel something: first my head hurt then my eyes, throat and ears, and I kept staring off onto space not following the conversation. Right before 11pm I went to bed and just wanted to sleep and the heaviness just came over me like a blanket that I welcomed. I woke up a couple of hours later and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I let it out. I cried till the next evening and that's when I realised that the pain I felt in my body and was the grief trying to get out, the grief I was holding it in. I locked myself in the house, pulled down the shades in the bedroom, unplugged the phone and let myself feel it. I cried for myself and for Vicki and my family and for my feelings of guilt and even though my step mom is devastated, she still tried to make me feel better. I decided to give myself this day of total breakdown and to try to function the next day for the family and get back to being a mom and wife and friend, but I am still missing this feeling of it being real. Dad and I had the conversation the last time I was in Louisiana, about when he dies he didn't want me to stand at his grave and feel sad. I told him I would do what I want and I am trying to respect his wishes, yet I need to say goodbye. I want to look at his things and smell his shirts; I want to sit in his spot and look at his pictures. I want to be where he was before he went to the hospital and just left us.

I am not ready to bury my dad; I thought I had more time to say everything that I wanted to say and tell him how much I love him. They are selfish reasons why I want him here I admit that, but i just want more time.

Grief is a weird thing. The whole time I was crying, I kept thinking of those stupid balloons that he was never going to get that said, "Get well soon, Dad! We love you!" with all of our names listed. If he would have just gotten those balloons, he would have known that we were all thinking of him.

This is just how I feel and does not say anything about what kind of Man he was and I will be honoring his memory this week with stories and pictures.

 I love you Dad and will miss you forever
Shit Princess Julia

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