Tuesday, February 26, 2013

While the cat is away the mouse can fart

Even though I have brothers and sisters and kids, I am pretty prude and uptight about body functions. I don't believe that you should pee or do other stuff in front of your spouse and you sure as hell shouldn't fart.
Maybe that is wrong, but I have always thought the person you bump privates with should not be the person to see you wipe front to back.

How can you expect the person to want to go downtown after he saw you sitting on the pot?  That's erotic?
Call me old-fashioned but even though I want men to sit down to pee I don't really need to see you sitting on the john like a woman. 
And then there are few and far beteween times that the husband goes out of town and I can let out the disgusting, crotch scratching, burping, farting, pick your nose and roll the booger person that I have buried very, very deep.
So, when he calls me the next night to ask if  I miss him, I answer him during the short lull that I have in between shoving chips and cookies in my mouth, lying on his side of the bed (of course!) with a resounding "NO."
Of course, I don't miss holding in all my disgusting wind that usually sends me to bathroom or to my car. I enjoy being disgusting and doing whatever I want.
I want to watch Magic Mike twice in one night and then go back and look at my favorite parts again; then I look for the bloopers to that same movie on the internet and I don't have to hear you tell me that I am nuts. I want to watch a whole season of Sex and the City in one night (because Carrie is fabulous!) and then internet shop a pair of high heels at 3am that I will never wear.
I want to invite my girlfriends over to talk about dumb stuff and drink to much prosecco and act stupid and probably pee my pants. They don't care; they have been there.
I will wash my hair and then go to bed with it wet and wake up the next morning looking like the swamp thing and probably scare myself.
I will probably start a project and then lose interest and leave it till 2 hours before you come home and then haul ass to finish it only to act completly relaxed and competent.
But give me 3 days and I will start to miss you and even tell you so, but those few precious days are all mine, dammit!!!

1 comment:

Sandy said...

Oh my gosh! That's hilarious. . . . . . . . You just said what the rest of us are thinking.

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