Tuesday, February 26, 2013

While the cat is away the mouse can fart

Even though I have brothers and sisters and kids, I am pretty prude and uptight about body functions. I don't believe that you should pee or do other stuff in front of your spouse and you sure as hell shouldn't fart.
Maybe that is wrong, but I have always thought the person you bump privates with should not be the person to see you wipe front to back.

How can you expect the person to want to go downtown after he saw you sitting on the pot?  That's erotic?
Call me old-fashioned but even though I want men to sit down to pee I don't really need to see you sitting on the john like a woman. 
And then there are few and far beteween times that the husband goes out of town and I can let out the disgusting, crotch scratching, burping, farting, pick your nose and roll the booger person that I have buried very, very deep.
So, when he calls me the next night to ask if  I miss him, I answer him during the short lull that I have in between shoving chips and cookies in my mouth, lying on his side of the bed (of course!) with a resounding "NO."
Of course, I don't miss holding in all my disgusting wind that usually sends me to bathroom or to my car. I enjoy being disgusting and doing whatever I want.
I want to watch Magic Mike twice in one night and then go back and look at my favorite parts again; then I look for the bloopers to that same movie on the internet and I don't have to hear you tell me that I am nuts. I want to watch a whole season of Sex and the City in one night (because Carrie is fabulous!) and then internet shop a pair of high heels at 3am that I will never wear.
I want to invite my girlfriends over to talk about dumb stuff and drink to much prosecco and act stupid and probably pee my pants. They don't care; they have been there.
I will wash my hair and then go to bed with it wet and wake up the next morning looking like the swamp thing and probably scare myself.
I will probably start a project and then lose interest and leave it till 2 hours before you come home and then haul ass to finish it only to act completly relaxed and competent.
But give me 3 days and I will start to miss you and even tell you so, but those few precious days are all mine, dammit!!!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

What no one ever talks about

Sunshine, rainbows and unicorns -- that is what having a baby is like...... said no one.... ever!!! Does anybody talk about what happens after you have the bundles of joy?
I don't know about you, but I don't really enjoy peeing my pants just because I have to cough, sneeze or pick something up that weighs more than a grapefruit. When I realized that I was incontinent at 37, after having 3 babies that ripped me from front to back, I searched the internet for women who had the same problem as I did and found nothing.
Does anybody talk about this problem?
Do all the women just pee their pants in silence? You can find all kinds of articles about STD but nothing about this.
I guess it is less embarrassing to admit you are a whore than a sneeze Pee-er.
When I finally decided to do something about it, I even had to talk my Dr. into taking me seriously; he thought I was just too lazy to do the fricken exercises. Well, guess what Mr. Know-it-all...my muscles are awesome and you suck!
There are several options and most of them are without surgery but unfortunately, in my case, that is not going to happen.
The consultation is really, really embarrassing and I will not even go into detail here; I will just say there is a probe up your butt, and as Charlotte said so eloquently in Sex and the City, "Nobody wants to be the up the butt girl."
But when it's all over, I can get back to this:
I can exercise and get ripped, which I probably won't do but I could if I wanted to.

I am breaking the silence on this subject by saying it is not anything to be ashamed of; just because you have bladder issues does not mean you have to hide; just get the stuff taken care of.  Nobody wants to sit next to someone who has a diaper on so thick it sounds like you are walking through snow when you move.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day when your are a grown up

This Thursday is Valentine's Day, the day where you get flowers from your husband who forgets your ass the rest of the year.
You will like the flowers and fawn over them like you have never seen such wonderful blossoms because if you don't you will never ever get any again till you die.
If you have kids, you will spend the holiday that really isn't one, at home with your children who could give a shit less that you are supposed to be feeling romantic -- not to mention, you better make something to eat that they like or you will have to listen to whining and complaining.
You will set the table with a little more love than usual which means there will be paper napkins instead of paper towels and the dishes may or may not match and there will probably be an argument about who sits where even though you have had assigned seats for 7 years.  But, you will not get upset;  instead you will gaze at the lovely blossoms that the Valentine's prince brought you and remember to breathe through your nose before you smack the shit out of somebody.
 After the kids have gone to bed and you are sitting in the living room with your special someone -- in this case my, husband -- but if you like your dog better who am I to judge?  You are feeling tired from having the last minute discussions with the kids that you always have 10 minute before bedtime, and you will sit there in silence for a couple of minutes and really enjoy it.
Now you have to make the decision how the rest of the evening will go. Are you really going upstairs and putting something on besides your jammies (t-shirt and sweats you've been wearing all day)?  You make the decisison to put on a nightgown but not the one with Winnie the Pooh on it. You take off your makeup because you don't want to look like you are trying too hard and you go downstairs while trying to talk yourself into the mood and at the same time trying to figure out how many hours of sleep you will get if you fall asleep right now.
You walk in the living room and....... He is asleep on the couch!!
You back out slowly, creep back up the stairs leaving him there and go to bed alone, sleeping in the middle of the bed.

Happy Valentine's Day, Honey!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Ten awesome and not so much

1.) "Last Resort" and "Emily Owens, MD" have been cancelled and just had the series finale.  I think that just sucks ass.  I really liked both shows and especially liked Mamie Gummer in Emily Owens.  It was such a nice show that didn't leave me on the couch with the ugly cry like Greys Anatomy does. And Last Resort? Tons of guys in uniform blowing stuff up? Nothing bad about that.

2.) I discoverd a new singer that I really like -- Jeremy Jordan. I first saw him in "Smash" but he is big in musicals; he was even nominated for a Tony for his role in "Newsies."  Great voice.

3.) My diet is going pretty good and I don't even miss the noodles and potatos for dinner. I do think that I need to add exercise to the diet or I will be skinny but a flabbyass.

4.) Feburary is a sucky month as far as weather goes. It is raining and snowing and freezing and I am starting to get sick of it. I need frickin Spring like nobody's business. The good thing is this month is Valentine's Day and Mardi Gras. 

5.) Mia has realized how funny she is and now she is playing it up for us, acting like a little ham. The downside is she is being a brat about eating and taking everything out of her mouth and looking at it before she eats, it which makes a huge mess. 



Mia is walking a little bit and getting in to everything

7.) This weekend is all about Wellness Saturday; my Hair Wizard is coming over to beautify my wierd ass hair that is still all kinds of messed up.
I went from this:

to this . . . . 

to this . . . .

to this . . . .

Sunday will be spent all day in the Sauna with Massages and Peelings. I am so ready.

8.) We have booked our vacation for the end of May and I can't wait! I am so ready for vacation, it's pathetic

9.) There are some really good movies to rent right now through I-tunes that I can't wait to see:
1.) The Perks of being a Wallflower
2.) Celeste & Jesse forever
soon to come
3,) Zero Dark Thirty
4,) Silver Linings Playbook
5,) Rise of the Guardians

10.) The mood I am in right now, I couldn't sew or craft myself out of a paperbag.  I lost my mojo and I can't seem to find the damn thing.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Where has the time gone?


One year old!!! I can't believe it and the little twerp still doesn't sleep throught the night! But she makes everybody in the Family so happy and we can't imagine it any other way.


She didn't really care for digging in to her cake so we ate it


Mia was more excited about grabbing Enyas Ipod

Mia got a dolly from Oma and Ami geld form Oma and Opa Detwiler
She had fun today and enjoyed being the center of attention but she is used to that anyway. 
Happy Birthday Mia Monster