Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Going through the Change

Having a baby after your other kids are pretty big already will change everything: how you think, look, smell and act.  Here are a few things that I have noticed have made the most difference:

1.) I have lost the ability to stay calm when the doorbell or the phone rings. I completely lose my shit when somebody has the gall to call me during the day. "What the hell were you thinking?!  Don't you know I have a baby?  If you wake up my kid, I will punch you in the throat!"

2.) Wearing my hair down:  After almost choking her, trying to poke out her eye, and her eventually ripping a bunch of hair out of my scalp by the root. I have just given up and now wear the messy, dirty mom bun.

3.) Wearing clothes that I can sleep in: I have jeans and nice shirts but why bother? My clothes will get spit up on, and I have to be able to sleep in them because that is what I will be doing the majority of the day.

4.) Eating any meal in one sitting: The MiaMonster always decides to wake up, cry, poop or just feel like being fussy whenever I sit down to eat. I have now mastered the art of shoveling-inhaling without choking or having bits coming out of my nose while eating. It is a lost, art let me tell you.

5.) Telling people things that used to be TMI: I have always been somebody who didn't get embarrassed easily (except for myself and bodily functions -- that is an absolute no-go.)  I would never, ever fart or pee in front of my husband or even my sister for that matter, but since having Mia I will happily tell you that I just peed a little or threw up in my mouth if I feel like it. Yeah!! How do you like me now?

6.) My thighs touch when I walk. When the hell did that happen? I know it has only been two months since I had the little monster but I am not liking this crap. It will start getting warm soon, and I am not wearing shorts, that is for damned sure. I will have to put baby powder on my thighs so they don't chafe and get ashy.

7.) Sleeping alone. Is it just me or do you get more anxious when you have a baby after 35? I thought I would be a pro and totally relaxed but I am the exact opposite. I couldn't bear to let the poor child sleep without my checking her breathing every 15 minutes for the first month. When the talk came about putting the baby in her own bed, I cried for two days!  But then, I woke up to her having a pillow on her face and that kind of changed the game for me.

8.) Getting anything done: Housework, Laundry, sewing, crafting? Yeah, that is not going to happen my friend, especially not when you have a baby that only sleeps when she is being held. I finally had to get a moby wrap to put her in because I couldn't even get off the couch. Do you know that if you tie it high enough you can go pee with it on?  My arms hurt like I had to pull the turnip cart uphill both ways in the snow.

9.) Not being able to give in to my road rage: I am a total psycho on the road. I don't physically hurt anybody, but I will tell you that you are a **&%^* idiot to you're face, driving by at 90 miles an hour, flipping you the bird. I will make lewd hand gestures and roll down my window at the light and stare you down. But with the baby, I can't even do that anymore. She might wake up or cry; we don't want that. And, to add insult to injury, I have a mom van. Nothing says bad-ass like a Chrysler mini-van, let me tell you. I don't even have a horn; it is broken and my husband won't fix it. He's afraid I will get shot if I don't learn to keep my mouth shut.

10.) Being emotional: I am not a lovey-dovey, spread joy around, kind of person. I am sarcastic, bitchy, opinionated and sometimes, down right mean. And now? I cry . . . . . a lot . . . . . . all the time.

11.) Being forgetful: I think the baby ate my brain. I can't remember shit. I have forgotten passwords, pin numbers, phone numbers, appointments, and my kids' names at times. And, I have perfected the dumb blond look. When asked something, I think hard and realize , " Yup, I forgot." next question. I didn't used to be dumb, I swear.

And the final one

12.) Realizing that I will never marry Orlando Bloom because his wife looks way better than I look after having a baby: This little monster seems to have sucked out the last ounce of beauty that I had.

And no, Orlando is not gay. 

1 comment:

Anna at said...

HA! Love this post. All the more reason for me NOT to have any more kids! :) Thanks for linking up to #findingthefunny!

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